Humor
These pages are in a lighter vein. They were collected from web email lists from the '90's. Many are from bumper stickers. We always have to leave room for humor.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Everybody thinks you're an asshole, but Jesus loves you. ----from 1980's button
Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
Visualize Whirled Peas.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Signed, Dorothy.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Dyslexics Untie!!
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff; laziness pays off NOW.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have; vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry--then things get worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move; real friends help you move bodies.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Microbiology: Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Ground Beef: A cow with no legs.
186,282 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.
Ax me about Ebonics.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
Honk, if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost.
Driver only carries $20.00....in ammunition.
Driver carries no money: he's married.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
CAUTION: I drive just like you!
Two Longer Jokes
A Habitual Problem
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on any of their clothes--neither their habits nor their underclothes.
After conferring about this for awhile, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their clothes, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there is a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
Pious Parrots
A lady approached her priest and told him, "Father, I have a problem. I recently bought two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding miniature rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady put her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"